“I feel guilty.”
I’m sure that I irritate the beautiful people around me with my quibbling over the semantics of this commonly used phrase. It usually goes like this:
Steph: Well, are you guilty?
Her victim friend: uhhh…what do you mean?
Steph: I understand what you mean, but you can’t feel guilty…guilt is a state. You are either guilty or not guilty. Either you have done something that renders you guilty or not. So, which one is it?
Her victim-friend: uhh maybe…wait no, I’m not sure…
The discussion usually continues as we flesh out the differences between false guilt and unhealthy shame. Shame often looks less at our actions and makes assessments about our personhood. It is usually less about doing wrong and more about being wrong. Unhealthy shame can cause individuals to run from God and others in an attempt to hide.
A lot of missionaries, non-profit, or ministry workers live in a perpetual state of false guilt and shame. We feel bad for having more material wealth than the people around us; we feel “guilty” for using our AC, driving a vehicle, having funds to educate our children or access medical care. We are ashamed of using money to fly back to “our home country” from time to time, buying cheese at an embarrassingly high cost (which we burn the receipts for at home), or taking a needed rest. We feel like we haven’t given enough, done enough, sacrificed enough, or proclaimed the gospel enough. It’s never enough.
I’m not here to convince anyone into or out of identifying guilt in their lives. Sometimes the examples listed above may involve sinful behavior if our hearts are driven by selfishness, idolatry, or maybe a fear-driven protection of comforts, or other wrongful attitudes. However, often they are not sinful acts, but rather false guilt that leads us into deep shame. Though sometimes, I will admit, we can also find ourselves in an uncomfortable place of ambivalence when it comes to grappling with an understanding of whether we did or did not sin. In this state, God’s Word, the work of the Holy Spirit, and also those in community around us (the church) will help us. I think these times are when the phrase “I feel guilty” comes up most.
But maybe it is more than just semantics – the variance between guilt and shame. Understanding the difference between these two words can lead us into very different places. Guilt, true biblical guilt, can lead us to repentance, and forgiveness and ultimately freedom. Shame often moves us into one of two behaviors: hiding or running…or staggering somewhere in between the two.
Hiders
The very first feelings of shame happened after Adam and Eve sinned in the garden (Genesis 3). Their guilt brought shame. They saw themselves as naked and exposed. They hid. Rather than running to their holy God for shelter to confess their guilt, they hid behind a tree (the first time we see individuals seeking refuge in god-replacements rather than God).
Some of us are hiders. When our guilt is before us, we cannot imagine being seen by others – especially by a holy God. Being exposed is our greatest fear. Our shame causes us to avoid, neglect others, detach from people and our responsibilities, deny, perhaps become overly critical of others in attempts to increase our own self-worth, dissociate from reality, develop coldness towards relationships that used to bring us joy, feel defensive and unprotected with even the smallest critique. We, as hiders, deflect by blaming teammates or colleagues, withdrawal from intimacy and connection, find many creative methods and god-replacements to shield us from being seen. Hiding feels safe. But the longer we hide, the more that fear of being exposed takes root in our hearts. We lose joy. We lose relationships. We lose freedom. Hiding becomes so automatic that we forget that there is a way out. We chain ourselves to the very shame that we are desperately seeking to avoid. We feel utterly alone and wholly exposed all at the same time.
Runners
Jesus told a parable about the prodigal son – the runner (Luke 15:11-32). The guilt of squandering his wealth with wild living led him to believe that he was completely unworthy to be seen by his father ever again. He ran from the very man and the very place that were waiting with open arms for his return.
Some of us run. We sprint through tasks, bulldoze over or leave relationships, plow through deadlines, exploit our own abilities, pick up more projects than we can handle, overpromise, outperform, and completely burnout, all in an attempt to outrun our shame. Only we cannot outrun shame. We can only continue in anguish, picking up the pace – pushing harder, hustling faster, vowing to abide by stricter regimes, finding better methods, trying, doing more, fighting…no rest…no peace…outrun. Just outrun.
Hope for Runners and Hiders
The gospel reaches into the heart of both runners and hiders – and for those who find themselves staggering between. Tim Keller (2011) explains that “the gospel says we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, (that’s the guilt part of the story) yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope (this is the part where grace and mercy replace shame).” The gospel doesn’t ignore or excuse guilt, but it also doesn’t leave us on our own in attempts to escape it.
But we don’t even realize that we are running and hiding, let alone have the ability to identify why. We fail to allow enough time in our days (too busy hiding and running, I guess) to contemplate the soul-needs that motivate our behavior. Let’s attempt to claim time to observe our running and our hiding tendencies. Develop some curiosity about what lies behind them. If we are running from guilt – then we have a gracious God who promises that if we confess our sins, he is faithful to forgive us and to cleanse us of our guilt (1 John 1:9). Maybe we will also discover that we need to apologize to some people. There’s freedom in that too. Confess. Repent. Find Freedom. Remind ourselves that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
As for the shame…
The act of running and hiding aren’t inherently bad, it’s all about where are hiding and to whom are we running. The gospel beckons us to run to our Savior instead of running from our shame. The gospel also hides our shame and our guilt because they are covered in the sacrificial blood of Christ (Colossians 3:3).
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah. (Psalm 32:7)
The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe (Proverbs 18:10)
Grace and peace,
Steph
References
English Standard Version Bible. (2001). ESV Online. https://esv.literalword.com
Keller, T., & Keller, K. (2011). The meaning of marriage: facing the complexities of commitment with the wisdom of God. New York, Dutton.
So good, Steph! Thanks for the great reminder!
Interesting the timing on this for me. I have been thinking about the fact that I feel ashamed that we still have not raised our budget for our first term on the field and we are coming up on the two year mark. I feel weary and I want to hide from people who came on our support team early on rather than answer their question of why we are still here. I don’t have an answer. I can’t think of anything more we can do than what we are already doing. I suppose there are more things in me that need to be broken and surrendered. Lord, give me grace for today as I continue waiting.