A Lament of Leaving

I prayed for you to lift my fear –
To silence the riot emerging in my chest.
I thought I couldn’t take one step forward
I couldn’t obey, until my fearful heart was calmed. 

I cried for a change of course,
Begged you to turn the ship around.
The seas that I saw ahead were too harsh, too frightening
I saw myself sinking slowly into those waves; knowing that I would die.

I asked for understanding,
When doubt kept my mind ruler of sleepless nights.
But I was being pushed forward against my will. Staggering. Blind.

I cried “Just help me understand, help me see, Lord.” But doubt still darkened me.

I longed for others around me to understand, to see, to listen
To uncover the wounds and bring a healing balm.
But their words fell harsh, like grains of salt,
And left no healing, no relief, no solace.

I begged you not to take my home –
The place you gave, where peace sat undisturbed.
A haven built from a once-foreign place,
Where joy, laughter, life became ours to share.

Fourteen years I’ve called this place home
Rare and well-worn-in depth replaced awkward beginnings to friendships
Strangers turned to family, the once frantic became familiar
Words previously foreign became a language of my heart.

You gave in abundance, more than I could have asked
You built this life from the red dusty ground up
And now, God, you are asking me to leave?
To walk away, to leave the good gifts behind; the gifts that you chose to give?

I can’t. I won’t. My heart is rooted.
You’ll have to modify something in me first. I can’t move forward. 
Just give me the understanding I need to obey
Provide the answers, the capabilities, and the certainty that I require.

I waited. I have waited. I am still waiting, Lord.
Is all this silence just delaying the preordained 
The waves are still crashing, my heart still screams –
Why won’t you provide a way out?

But now, just now, I am starting to see…
That all I have asked was just prideful demands dressed in counterfeit pleas.
I only sought to be equipped, to be in control
To feel secure and sure before I could obey you.

You did not give me what I had asked,
Because I asked to trust in myself.
The faith you are requiring begins where I end,
It starts when I learn to obey even in the doubt.

Not answers, but your presence, Lord –
Not calm seas, but trusting in the storm-maker.
Not comfort drawn from others’ hands,
But you alone 

If home is taken, let me find it in you
That you remain my dwelling place, my refuge, my strength
If I lose it all, may I still gain
The fullness of your boundless grace.

So here I begin a new prayer, with a heart still tempted to despair
A prayer that asked for nothing in myself –
Jesus, help me to trust in you. May your will be done.
Let my heart be yours alone. Let your presence be enough.

*After nearly 14 years of living in Tanzania, our time of living here full-time has come to an end. We will return often, but our family will take up permanent residency in Portugal. We will continue serving alongside our team here in Tanzania while taking on new roles as Directors of Member Care for our organization. The words of lament above were written in a time when I was fighting hard for explanations, answers, and for my will to be done, unwilling to consider that the changes ahead were both good and ordained by God – even though they brought a tremendous amount of grief.